Chester

I have learnt a lot about how my energy can impact others from my relationship with our dog Chester. Chester used to walk calmly out of the back door into the garden, espy the same fence to his left – the one my neighbours 2 labradors live behind – lean onto his back legs with front paws in the air, and then dash purposefully toward the fence landing on the fence with a huge thud – paws on the fence he would look around as if to be saying: “I’m here, and this fence is mine”.

I judged his behaviour as being instinctively territorial and felt annoyed. This in turn had me shout and curse at him, telling him off and generally raging at him – and feeling somewhat self-righteous.

However when I reflected on his behaviour and my reaction to it I wondered if his behaviour had in fact become an unconscious habit. I then wondered what might happen if I brought a calmer and more assertive energy in my approach to Chester, that this might not only help me to see what was happening for him but also help him. This in turn had me think about his needs, as well as my own, and how I could offer a more helpful pattern of behaviour between us.

Next time he acted out the same behaviour, I calmly walked up to him, sat in silence on the grass right by the fence, and stayed there for around 15 minutes, inviting him to stay with me – up close and personal with the fence. The impact was great. He settled by me and became more curious about the fence, sniffing and also observing calmly. After just 3 repeat visits like this he was more playful with the dogs next door and has now stopped running at the fence. He still goes there – but calmly and with curiosity and playfulness.

Through this enquiry I realised that Chester had shown me that one major aspect of great relationships is anchored in the energy we bring that best serves our relationships. This is about the degree to which I own the relationship and am prepared to stay curious, pay attention to the other persons energy and needs, and consider the impact of my own energy. “Can I honour what I bring, while also being truly open to being changed by the other person?” (Vanstone 2010).

Leadership Nudges: How often do you suspend your own instinctive or habitual need to be territorial and remain curious as to what might be going on for another person? How often do you consider and then practice using a more calm and assertive energy to support different possibilities in your relationships?

By Steve Holliday, Leadership Coach, Siemens Energy, UK & NWE