I recently read an interview with Michael Palin – he of Monty Python and intrepid global journeys, and, apparently, “Britain’s Nicest Man” (not that he likes the title; the first line of the article read “Please don’t call me nice”). But it wasn’t his rejection of being nice that caught my eye, it was his assertion that “getting on with people gives you more control. If you see the world as an enemy you won’t get very far”.

This grabbed my attention for three reasons; firstly because I suspect it gives an insight into why he is so…erm…nice (sorry Michael!), secondly because it highlights a core principle at the heart of FED and thirdly because it is so radical and counter-cultural that the journalist felt the need to put it in bold typeface.

If we see every issue as a battlefield, we shouldn’t be surprised if our default state is conflict. And as with all battlefields, the middle ground is no-man’s land. Lingering there is not an option. Instead we are invited to choose one or other of the entrenched views and join the war of words against ‘the enemy’.

Personally speaking I have often fallen into this trap, being all too quick to judge others and eager to win every argument in order to prove how right I am. This adversarial approach is certainly a form of ‘engagement’, but its a long way both from the ‘E’ at the heart of FED and me being at my best.

Both FED and Palin offer a different approach : to gain true control, you need to get out of your trench and risk living in no-man’s land. But how do we do that? For me, it starts with recognising that that which I call truth is often just my belief. This allows me to hold my opinions more lightly, leaving room for disagreement without making the other person wrong. This doesn’t mean giving up or denying my beliefs, it just means (to paraphrase Churchill, who knew a thing or two about conflict) choosing jaw-jaw over war-war. In short, it means choosing to prioritise relationship over my desire to be proved right.

Leadership nudge: Where might your need to be ‘right’ be getting in the way of your relationships? Where might choosing to reply ‘how interesting’ rather than ‘no, you’re wrong’ open up new possibilities and invite deeper relationships?

By Martin Carter

Learn more about Martin Carter, the author of this article.